Leaving it Behind

One thing I’ve always been bad at is letting go.

But as we reach the end of 2022, there is something I want to leave behind in this year.

Christmas and the holiday period has been a really difficult time for me for the past few years, because I’m estranged from several people in my family and I don’t see them.

It has meant that instead of feeling happy and festive, every December I feel deeply depressed. It’s a month of feeling shit and sad and angry and lonely.

It hurts, a lot.

I saw the below tweet from Dr Nicole LePera and it describes what I’ve felt the past few Christmases: grief.

As she stated:

“Few people talk about the grief that comes after ending toxic relationships. Intellectually, we know it’s for the best, but we also have suffered a deep loss many don’t understand.”

Tweet from Dr Nicole LePera on Twitter, December 2022.

It’s strange and difficult to end a relationship with someone you love, or have them end their relationship with you, or both. I’ve never thought of it as grief, but that could be the right word.

This post isn’t going to identify anyone, or shame them, or divulge details about family shit that ought to remain private. I’m not being cagey, just protecting the privacy of other people.

I am writing this with a more personal goal, because I have a demon to exorcise, personally and professionally, about the impact this has had on me. It’s affected my mental health, but it’s affecting my writing, too.

In 2021, I made a generic, relatively cautious statement on social media about having had an encounter with someone I went no-contact with years ago. I didn’t identify the person, I kept it vague, and I didn’t say much other than I was upset at having this person ignore my boundaries.

That comment was met with rage and abusive messages from several people I am related to. I was to be punished, shunned and ostracised for having told the truth that I was not okay in that moment.

That experience burnt me so badly, I haven’t been able to express myself properly since.

I blew several deadlines with my publisher for my third book as I couldn’t bear sitting in the emotional space required to write. I was too scared, and too emotionally rekt. I couldn’t do it.

I haven’t been able to write any short fiction at all since, either. Nor have I written any opinion pieces or other journalistic articles, both of which were goals of mine for 2022.

I’ve just been frozen.

When I did finally churn out a rough draft of my third novel in July, I rushed it, and I had to drink to be able to write it.

This, to me, is a bad sign, because it usually means what I am writing isn’t very good.

INVISIBLE BOYS, THE BRINK, and all my short fiction that’s been published – it has been written in a state of sobriety, when I am happy and peaceful, when I feel safe enough to excavate feelings and weave them into character and story.

When I am in so much emotional pain that I need to drink to numb it, I always churn out substandard writing. I did this for my Honours thesis and it resulted in a creative work that was okay, but didn’t dive deep enough to resonate on an emotional level.

And so it is with this third book draft.

Upon reading the manuscript draft, my publisher, accurately, pointed out to me that this early draft hasn’t gone deep enough into the emotion of what needs to be said.

And she’s right. I didn’t go deep enough, because I was too scared to follow two of my key principles of writing.

Firstly, from Ernest Hemingway, the edict to “write hard and clear about what hurts”.

Secondly, from Alanis Morissette, the advice to make self-expression paramount to the artist, regardless of what people might think of it: no sacred cows.

I have been unable to do either of these. I’ve been too concerned with getting attacked again if I say the wrong thing.

This year, I’ve focused on trying to heal on a personal level and make Christmas a happy time again. My husband and I realised we have never put up a Christmas tree despite living together for years, so this year we bought a nice Christmas tree, set up our own Christmas Day rituals and made time to see people we do have healthy relationships with. It made Christmas happy and festive again.

But as I sit here on the brink of a new year, I know I can’t fully move on until I remove the splinter that’s been in my paw for over a year.

I had to write this, and share it without any fear or shame, to leave it behind and move on.

Professionally, I had to prove to myself I can write hard and clear, and that I am not beholden to anyone else’s opinions about what I say or write: that self-expression is paramount.

Personally, I had to prove to myself that other people’s abusive rantings will not make me cower. I am not afraid of them anymore.

More importantly: I don’t want to shoulder the weight of this for one second longer. I don’t want it to colour my 2023 or the years beyond. I don’t want it to hinder my creativity. I don’t want to be unhappy and silent.

So, here is my little demon and here I am, exorcising it with a kick up the arse and a stake right through the heart. Get the fuck behind me and let me move on. I want to be happy.



The Parts of my Unpublished Manuscript That Did Get Published

This morning I’ve been revisiting the first full-length manuscript I ever completed – the still-unpublished Young Adult action/adventure novel I wrote from 2014-2016. The pic above is from early 2015, when I was close to finishing the first draft.

Before I wrote INVISIBLE BOYS or the current version of THE BRINK, this was the book I thought would be my first published novel, and I poured a lot of time and effort into it.

I worked very hard on this manuscript, writing it mostly during a time when I was working full-time at a university. I had a mentor through the Australian Society of Authors who helped me refine the later drafts – there were seven drafts in total. I was so sure that with enough work, this book would get published.

It didn’t.

I’ve only ever spoken about this book in the context of it getting rejected by an agent in early 2017 (which I wrote about at length in an early 2019 blog posted titled A LETTER TO THE NOVEL I ABANDONED.) In some ways, I’ve spoken about it too much through that lens and not about the novel on its own terms. But that rejection was pivotal for me on two fronts.

One, it drove me into a total war/scorched earth kind of mentality – what I’ve described as “going black behind the eyes”. The failure of that manuscript hurt me so much that I doubled down on my desire for success. Weekdays, weeknights, weekends, weekend nights: all my spare time was devoted solely to the dogged pursuit of working on a new book and getting it published. No chilling, no socialising, no downtime. Work work work until I got what I wanted. I would get published or I would die trying. It’s a bit intense, but it also worked. So as much as there are unhealthy downsides to the hustle mentality, there’s also sometimes no way around it. I don’t think I would be a published author now if I hadn’t driven myself like this during that time.

Two, it catalysed the career I have now, because it made me shift the focus of my creative output. Whereas the YA action/adventure manuscript was focused on plot and action, I realised what my writing badly needed was a focus on character, humanity and heart.

It was from that new approach that INVISIBLE BOYS and THE BRINK were born.

Occasionally at events, people have asked if I would ever revisit that first, unpublished manuscript and try to get it published now.

I’ve usually said that it’s comfortably in the drawer, but that I do sometimes think about revisiting it. I’ve said that if I did, I would probably need to give the book a heart transplant, because that was the key element it was lacking, that made it unable to leap that last hurdle to becoming a publishable work.

I still think that’s what’s needed, but I spent some time reading parts of this manuscript this morning and I was surprised by a couple of things.

Firstly, I have always referred to this book as a YA fantasy novel. And it did have fantasy elements – a system of low-key magic and so on.

But at its core, it isn’t quite a fantasy novel. It’s much more an action/adventure novel, with explosions and gunfights and swordfights and running away from danger, and ancient mythologies and corrupt corporations and shady underworld organisations and a band of misfits pulled together as a kind of found family against the danger of it all.

It’s adventure fiction – like Matthew Reilly’s Jack West Jr series (The Seven Ancient Wonders etc.) mixed with Tintin and Tomorrow, When the War Began. So I reckon I’ll call it adventure from now on, rather than fantasy.

Secondly, I think if I did ever revisit this manuscript, I’d start with some fundamental changes. Apart from making it more character-driven, I’d be making it an adult protagonist instead of teenage – it just gives the story so much more room to breathe and also makes the plot more believable. I also think I’d strip out the fantasy elements and shift it towards being more of a straight-up adventure/action thriller. I think it could work that way and it would be a novel I’d actually want to write.

Thirdly, and most surprisingly, there were little glimpses of heart in this plot-driven book that I hadn’t really remembered being there. The teenage protagonist – an angry young man named Gabe – was not given a deep inner world the way my published protagonists have been. This reflects not just my tendency at the time to eschew character for plot in my writing style, but also my own inability to be emotionally vulnerable at the time. I couldn’t show real shit in my characters because I didn’t know how to confront my own feelings in real life, either.

But there are a few points in the manuscript where moments of emotion did spill through. What surprised me was that I had forgotten about some of them, and yet they showed up in different ways in the novels I wrote later on.

For instance, this scene, where Gabe storms out of the shack he is hiding in with some locals, contains elements that would later be published in INVISIBLE BOYS and THE BRINK:

(NB: I’ve never shared even a sentence from this novel publicly before, so this is a first, and for all I know, this might be the only part of the novel that ever sees the light of day … here goes.)


I threw the door open and stormed out, leaving the shack via the fly-wire door at the front. I didn’t care if anyone saw my face anymore. I didn’t care that I was bare-chested and barefoot, wearing only a loose pair of Heath’s boxer shorts. I didn’t even know where I was going, just that I needed to be alone. I needed to be outside and away.

I passed the burned remains of Peninsula Senior High School, the pungent smell of seaweed wafting up at me, and found myself on Peninsula Beach. I could see the CBD from here – the marina, the wharf, the port and its orange ship lifters, the markets, Horizon Terrace, the Vic, Hudson House – but it was distant. It was comforting to see it all like that, silent, spread out before the crashing waves of the Indian Ocean. It made everything feel insignificant.

I stomped a few metres along the beach sand before the desire to get wet suddenly came over me. I strode straight into the waves in my boxer shorts and waded in until I couldn’t feel the ground beneath my feet anymore.

Unlike last night’s torturous swim, the cold, salty water was refreshing. I breast stroked through the shallows for a bit and then floated on my back, eyes closed against the belting sun, as seagulls called out from the shore.

When my brain started to rumble, I dived underwater. It was cooling, satisfying, like a red-hot iron being dipped into ice water and sizzling with steam. I stayed underwater for as long as I could, my eyes closed and ears deaf, floating like a foetus in its amniotic sac.

I eventually waded back onto the beach and flopped on the soft, powdery sand, eyes shut.

A few minutes later, as the droplets of water on my bare chest began to evaporate, I heard a gruff voice behind me say, ‘Thought yer did a runner.’

‘Needed to clear my head,’ I said. I didn’t shift, didn’t open my eyes.

The sand shifted as Darren sat down beside me. ‘Does it feel clearer?’



What struck me in this scene was how much my angry teenage self was demanding expression in a novel that didn’t really have space for it. I also didn’t have the emotional intelligence in 2016 to give this scene – and Gabe – room to explore this anger. Not long after Darren arrives, it becomes a bit more surface-level, the older bloke giving the young lad a bit of a sermon, but it was all about intellectualising Gabe’s strife, rather than sitting in it and letting it be raw.

I’m also a bit happily surprised at how several parts of this scene showed up in later books. Gabe storming off in his boxer shorts is remarkably similar to Leonardo’s meltdown on Brink Island. The use of the ocean as a cleansing force and then flopping onto the sand afterwards to reflect is also very close to a scene later in THE BRINK when Leonardo flees to the island’s northern cape. Except when played out through Leonardo’s character, and written by an author who’s a few years older and more able to be vulnerable, it is a longer and deeper psychological dive into that character’s inner workings.

The part that is almost identical to something that later got published is the paragraph of Gabe looking at the burned-out remains of Peninsula Senior High School. In INVISIBLE BOYS, Charlie – my angry character of that novel – has a very similar moment of reflection from the rooftop of an abandoned school in the middle of town, where he feels better watching the town from a distance, hearing the waves of the Indian Ocean. In both scenes, the characters are at peace with how the schools are abandoned, destroyed, and therefore safe.

This might only be interesting to me, as the author, rather than to any readers. But it really does make me happy to have noticed these similarities. Until now, I really viewed my unpublished YA adventure novel as starkly separate to my later work: the surface-level, plot-driven stuff versus deeper, character-driven work.

But I can see now that I was trying. There were attempts to express my suppressed anger – and express myself – even in the earlier work. I just didn’t have the emotional bandwidth or literary skill to do it well, or sustain it for longer than a few sentences. There are only occasional glimpses of inchoate angst, a nebulous self finding brief moments to reveal itself before being swallowed by the camouflage of a plot-driven tale.

I still don’t know what I will do with this manuscript. It might stay in the drawer forever. Maybe it was just a necessary first attempt at a book – not a failure as such, but a bridge between writing fun adventure fiction and writing something more honest. Or maybe I will come back and shape it into an adult-led thriller with heart. I don’t know.

In any case, it’s not the next thing on my to-do list. I’ll be spending my summer reading some books I’ve wanted to read for a long time – for inspiration, for learning – and then the first half of 2023 will be spent doing the rewrites on my third novel. I haven’t said much about my third novel, other than it’s about an angry gym junkie named Dane hitting his thirties, and I’m glad, because I think I am going to do a pretty major rework as I write the third draft of it next year.

Even the title of book three is going to change, so I’m especially glad I didn’t follow one of my whims last year to reveal the title during the promo tour for THE BRINK. That would have been hard to walk back, especially as the old title said so much about the book’s content, and now the book is taking a different direction in some ways. In fact, currently I don’t even have a new title for it, and although I’ve brainstormed a bunch of working titles lately, I don’t think any of them will be the one that makes it to publication, because they’re not even good enough for me to want to pick them as working titles. I don’t think I’ll really get a handle on this until I’m working on it properly in like Feb/March next year.

All I do know is book three is next up, and I’m keen to share Dane Di Angelo, and his story, with youse.

And after that? Book four is about a trio of men in their twenties named Zeke, Charlie and Hammer. 😉

So, maybe my fifth book will be rework of this unpublished novel? Or maybe I’ll be inspired to chase down one of the dozen or so other book ideas I have patiently waiting for my attention. There’s a joy in not knowing, really, and a liveliness in just following my gut towards what most needs expression each time I start a new book. I’ll suss it out as I go, and just hope that people will come along for the ride.


An Alternate Ending to “Game of Thrones”

Orright, so this is the weirdest thing I’ve ever posted on this blog.

The return of the GAME OF THRONES universe to our screens last week with HOUSE OF THE DRAGON (2022) ignited a twitter conversation with some of my followers today. Specifically, we were discussing the much-maligned ending to the original series of GOT in 2019.

Many fans felt cheated and let down by that ending – a surprise and unsatisfying twist that many felt ruined a character the show had spent eight seasons building up.

At the time, in 2019, I remember raging about how poor a choice this was for the show. To be clear, I didn’t rage at or abuse the writers themselves – no creator deserves that kind of treatment – but I did privately rant with many a fellow fan that our beloved show had ended so unsatisfyingly. In fact, GOT has become something of a cultural touchstone of how to not end a TV show, such is the extent of fan dissatisfaction.

At the time, I was so longing for the satisfaction of a solid ending that I ended up doing something I hadn’t done for years at the time: I wrote a piece of geeky fanfic about it. What I wrote was about 5500 words – a skeletal first draft, very loosely sketched out, of how I thought the character arcs could have been wrapped up in a way that was true to the characters and the story itself.

But in 2019, I decided not to post it publicly even though, yes, it’s just a benign bit of fanfiction. The writers of GOT were copping a lot of shit and I didn’t want to add to that storm. It also felt a bit disrespectful to do that to fellow writers right when they were copping backlash. And I didn’t want to spoil the ending for anyone who hadn’t yet seen it.

But today’s conversation on Twitter reminded me this was sitting in a file somewhere, and I fished it out from three years ago. It’s rough, but gets the basic idea across of how this fan would have loved GOT to finish.

Now three years have passed and that storm and backlash have settled, it doesn’t feel so bad to post this up, so I’ll share it for the handful of fellow fans who might be interested in something this nerdy.

Two disclaimers from me.

Firstly, I mean no disrespect to the writers of the original GOT ending – they had a helluva job to try to wrap up all the threads of that show, and I’m not dissing them. This is just an avid fan writing a version of the ending he would have liked to see. The very end of my version might be a bit too neat/happy for a show based on grimdark books, but whatevs.

And secondly, all the usual disclaimers that go with fanfiction: GAME OF THRONES belongs to HBO so this work of fanfiction is made freely-available and is not for sale – it is non-commercial and no income is received for it. It is posted in line with the principles of fair dealing (in Australia) and fair use (in the USA).

With all that said, here’s a random fan’s alternate ending to GAME OF THRONES, picking up from the moment the bells ring across King’s Landing. In the series, this signified a sudden and catastrophic shift in Dany’s character and caused huge dismay in many fans. My fanfic picks up from the moment the bells ring, but Dany takes a different – more in-character – course of action.

Here we go:


Holden Sheppard

A bell rings, and two armies exhale.

A pregnant pause persists, only seconds, until Jon Snow releases his sword, dust eddying as it lands at his feet in the chasm between him and the Lannister army.

Two armies inhale again: clean air, fresh air; and suddenly the tendons that gripped steel relax, white knuckles release and turn pink as human blood flows within veins again. Swords clatter to the earth. Ser Davos exchanges a look of relief with Tyrion Lannister. Grey Worm is one of the last to hurl his bloodied sword into the divide between the two armies.

It is over, Jon thinks. It is done.

He glances at Dany, expecting power to radiate off her in exultant glory, expecting the smug grin, face tilted to the sun like the ruler she has become.

But there is no grin, no glory.

Dany’s face is contorted into a mask of rage. Her violet eyes pierce the air more terrifyingly than Drogon’s flames did. Her gaze is squarely on the Red Keep.

“Dany, no – it’s done,” Jon says. “You won. You are Queen.”

Dany jerks her head in defiance, like she is shaking an angel off her shoulder. Her lips grow tight over her teeth. There is no satisfaction in a bloodless coup. No security, either. This isn’t revenge, nor destiny fulfilled. This story will never be over while the Lannisters draw breath. She sees it playing out in her head – perhaps happening, right now, within the walls of the Red Keep. Cersei Lannister will be whisked away to another part of the realm, somewhere in secret, to give birth to her child. That child would be exiled to a foreign protector in a foreign land – maybe Pentos – raised to believe they are the true heir – raised to grow an army and seek revenge in twenty years.

It is her story, too: Dany’s story. She has lived it her entire life, and now the wheel has turned, and it will be the story of Cersei’s offspring, too. And it will destroy her as a ruler. It will destroy the tentative sprouts of peace from ever getting their roots into Westeros.

And that child, that poor child, would be another Dany, a child who never grows up knowing peace, a child who is used, exploited and manipulated by others and their selfish desires for power, until he or she learns to do the same: use, exploit manipulate. The war would go on, the wheel would turn on and on, spinning faster than before, spinning out of control …

“I came here to break the wheel,” she calls to Jon, without taking her eyes off the Red Keep. “The wheel is not broken yet.”

She grips the hard ridges on Drogon’s back, beckoning him to take to the skies; which he does; he had already begun to unfurl his leathery wings, like he could read her mind.

“No!” Tyrion shouts. “Please – the bells –”

Dany doesn’t hear the rest of the sentence over the wind rushing past her ears; she is already too far away. She and Drogon are soaring over King’s Landing; the shadow of an enormous, fully-grown dragon darkening the red roofs of the buildings below. She sees the soldiers in their silver reach instinctively to the earth for their swords; peasants cover their heads with their hands as if it would offer any kind of protection.

Dany grits her teeth, beckoning Drogon to fly higher, further from these innocents.

I am not here for you, she thinks. Today, I break the wheel. Even if it means breaking myself.


Cersei Lannister holds the goblet of mulled wine until the very last minute. If I am to go, she thinks, let me be stupid drunk enough that I can’t feel it.

“My Queen, we should move …” the Grandmaester pleads beside her.

“I am well protected,” Cersei tells him, eyes on the dragon silhouetted against the airborne ash as it flies directly for her. “The Red Keep has never fallen. The Dragon Queen cannot kill me if I surrender. And I have Ser Gregor at my disposal should she try.”

The discoloured beast of a man grunts beneath his armour; even the six soldiers flanking him flinch.

“The Targaryens have never been much for mercy before,” the old man mumbles, gnarled fingers playing uncertainly with the Hand of the King pin on his tunic, like he is wondering whether it might be too late to tear it off and run.

The dragon draws near to the castle, searching the windows until it finally spots Cersei at her window and draws level to her, hovering in the air so its mother can face her enemy. Cersei can see the dragon queen’s silver hair trailing in the wind, the russet walls of the Red Keep reflected in her eyes so her blue irises look almost purple.

“Cersei of House Lannister … you are sitting on a throne that is not yours,” Dany says, evenly. “Your people have lived only in fear of you. Your armies have abandoned you. You are a tyrant, and you are done.”

Cersei drains the last of her goblet and makes a mockery of holding her hands up.

“I’ve already surrendered,” she says, with a shrug that is deliberately casual. Even now, she defaults to the old ways, like charm might still be enough to disarm. “You can hear those bells, can’t you? To attack now would be to commit a war crime.”

Dany’s face, already twisted with rage, snarls further. “So be it,” she says. “A war crime may be the only way to end this war for good – and that is what I came here to do.”

Cersei’s heart flutters, because there is no humanity left in those purple irises.

“I’ve never understood why the symbol of House Lannister was a lion,” Dany says suddenly. “I have never seen you act as bravely as one, only slither, like snakes, into everything that is good in the world. I doubt anyone in the Realm will be dismayed to see such a treacherous house meet its end.”

“I am unarmed, and innocent,” Cersei says, hand reaching for protection and finding the steel plated arm of the Mountain beside her.

Dany’s eyes blaze as Drogon rears up. “How interesting,” she says. “Missandei of Naath was unarmed, too.” Flames explode in her irises as she shrieks, “DRACARYS!”

Cersei ducks, just as she is pulled back; a tongue of flame erupts from before her; fills the air, fills the room, and for a second she knows she is dead.

But her mind is still whirring as the air is scorched and her limbs blaze with heat. She glances up to see the Mountain towering over her, standing in the direct blast of the Dragon’s flame, roaring the way only an undead man can; behind him, three soldiers have provided extra layers of protection with their own bodies, but unlike Ser Gregor, they are mortal, and all of them are already either dead or dying; and then there is Cersei, buried beneath them all as the flames rage.

There is a pause as Drogon draws breath; his armour melted to his discoloured skin, his world ablaze, the Mountain grips his iron spear, one big enough for a Scorpion, and launches is directly into Drogon’s jaws.

The animal shrieks in pain as the steel pierces the soft flesh within its mouth; its mother screams in fury as the dragon is forced to wheel back, shaking its head vigorously as it tried to dislodge the missile.

Cersei spots the opening to the spiral staircase below, the escape from which her grandmaester and other soldiers have no doubt fled already. As the dragon reels outside the window, she shakes the burnt bodies of the soldiers off and races for the staircase, bellowing behind her, “Ser Gregor, protect me.”


In a large, flat room at the base of the Red Keep, its polished stone map of Westeros etched into the floor, everything happens at once.

Arya Stark and Sandor Clegane burst into the space from one end at the same moment that a door opens at the opposite end, and a wounded Jaime Lannister limps towards them, blood trailing behind him – fresh, bright red.

Outside, a dragon shrieks and something metallic clatters against stone before a pillar of fire erupts outside. The roof explodes with flame as a turret is destroyed in a matter of seconds.

Arya exchanges a look with the Hound.

“I told you you had the chance to leave,” he says. “You’ll only end up as dead as I will.”

Arya grits her teeth as more of the side wall begins to cave in; suddenly, a shaft of light breaks through the gloom of the castle she was once, as a girl, trapped within.

“No,” she says flatly, her hand resting on Needle’s hilt. “We are both assassins, and death comes for both of us. Let it be a death that satisfies us.” She nods at him. “We both have unfinished business.”

The Hound grips his sword and they move forward into the cavernous chamber.

Before they are even two steps in, footsteps clatter down the spiral staircase from above; an old man in the sparse, dirty white tunic of a maester appears. He glimpses them, enemy soldiers, and flings a gold pin from his tunic; it clatters to the polished stone floor, abandoned, as he sprints in the other direction.

Arya exchanges a look with the Hound that says let him

That look does not resurface when three Lannister soldiers pelt down the staircase and into the room. The soldiers are followed by a bedraggled and charcoal-faced Cersei Lannister, her robes still smoking, and the monstrous form of the Mountain, molten metal now fused onto his blue skin.

Arya and Sandor press forward, blades out in a flash; the three soldiers have blackened skin, and they fumble for their swords like they are in a daze; metal flashes and blood spurts within seconds. Three dead Lannister soldiers clatter to the stone.

“Protect me!” Cersei cries, shifting behind the Mountain as Arya and Sandor advance.

“Cersei!” Jaime bellows from the far end of the chamber. He is doubled over a stone seat, too wounded to move.

The blonde-haired once-queen turns, her eyes finding her brother who is also, Arya knows, her lover, and something cracks in her voice; the cruel regent sounds like a little girl.

“Jaime – you made it – you came back to me …” she splutters. “Help me – you have to help me. I want to live.”

“I will,” he calls. “We’re together now. It will all be –”

And at that precise second, the entire wall of the chamber explodes, stone melting away in a combination of flame and wings and claws; sunlight streams into the room as Drogon lands spectacularly on the polished stone, cracking the map of Westeros into pieces and dividing the room into two with Drogon’s bulk, Jaime invisible from the other side of the chamber.

Dany sees the opponents squaring off – the Mountain and the Hound, and Cersei Lannister and Arya Stark – and for one mad rush of a moment she envisions all of them burning, with one word from her and one action from Drogon. She could do it. But the soldier belongs to her army; and Arya is Jon’s sister.

She instead finds herself staring into the eyes of a wounded man slumped over a stone seat.

A twisted smile breaks over her face.

“Jaime Lannister,” she says. “You have a lot to answer for.”


The Clegane brothers’ fight is the one Arya would prefer for herself: blades clashing against each other, steel flashing in the blinding sunlight; shouts of desperation as two enemies fight to the death.

Instead, she advances coldly and calmly on Cersei, who is backing herself towards the unbroken wall on the left side of the chamber.

Cersei draws her dagger, and Arya laughs. “We both know you’re too cowardly to even try it,” Arya says coldly. “Lannisters don’t tend to wield blades when others can see them do it, do they?”

Cersei’s skin is milk white beneath the soot as she drops the dagger to the crumbled stone floor.

“We surrendered,” she says. “The bells have rung.”

“They aren’t your bells,” Arya says, pacing forwards evenly and kicking the dagger to the side. Across the room, the Hound is sent flying by the Mountain; Sandor knocks his head on the stone floor and scrambles blearily to his feet. “The bells rang for you a long time ago, Cersei, when you crossed my family.”

Cersei’s eyes widen as the back of her heel strikes the wall; she has nowhere else to go now. “No-one can get away with killing a queen in cold blood, girl,” she says, an acidic whisper.

Arya takes another step. “That’s correct,” she says, a wry smile curling her lips. “And I am No-one.”

Cersei’s arms flail in the direction of her dagger on the floor. “I am unarmed!” she proclaims.

“So was my father when you had him beheaded in front of me,” says No-one.

Cersei flattens herself against the stone. “I was only doing what was right by my family.”

“As my mother was, when you had her throat cut,” says No-one.

Desperate now, the pale former queen places a hand on her swollen belly. She is frozen, as a statue, a pillar of ash waiting to crumble. “I am pregnant. You wouldn’t be killing just me – my baby doesn’t deserve to die. You would be committing infanticide.”

Arya Stark smiles more broadly than she has in years, and raises Needle to Cersei’s stomach. “You mean, like this?”

And she slices Needle directly through the skin and into the womb, three sharp jabs, like they told her it was done to her brother’s wife.

Cersei jerks, seizes in shock, her mouth gaping as she clutches her belly in horror.

“My unborn nephew didn’t deserve to die, either,” Arya says, withdrawing the blade and watching with satisfaction as Cersei Lannister crumples to her knees. “Robb’s child didn’t deserve death. Nor did Robb.”

Cersei is moving involuntarily, muscles jerking, a strange cry aching from her throat as blood pools beneath her. Arya draws Needle up to Cersei’s throat and shunts the blade gently across the surface of her chin, forcing the woman to look up, and finally Arya has those dark brown eyes locked with her own.

“They say a Lannister always pays their debts,” she tells Cersei. “You ran up rather a large one, didn’t you?”

She leans forward at once, lunging, and slices Needle downwards, directly into Cersei’s heart. A final scream is choked with blood, but the eyes are still moving as Arya Stark leans into Cersei, her lips grazing the woman’s ear as she whispers, “The Starks send our regards.” A vicious twinkle in her eye extends through her body; energy exploding through her arms as she pulls Needle cleanly across Cersei’s throat, the final blow before blood erupts from the dead queen’s throat. “The North remembers.”


“I have surrendered,” Jaime says. “You can’t harm me. To do so would to be tyrannical.”

“Perhaps,” Daenerys Targaryen says coolly, stepping down from Drogon’s back; the dragon’s enormous body has shielded them completely from the shouting and slashing on the other side of the chamber. “But I didn’t think allies needed to surrender to their Queen. Unless you were never an ally, after all?”

“I came back for Cersei.”

“You broke free from capture – or someone else let you free,” Dany says, realising the part Tyrion probably played in this scheme.

“Let us escape alive, please,” Jaime says. “She is pregnant with my child. Please, let us flee, and we will exile ourselves and never set foot in Westeros again.”

Dany doesn’t feel the savage justice of the moment the way she might have. All she can see is the shimmering salt water in Jaime’s eyes, a shimmer she knows she will never see from Jon.

“She is your sister,” she states blankly. “And yet, you love her. You really love her.”

Jaime doesn’t hang his head, but lifts it slightly, facing the judgment. “I always have.”

“People know, you know,” Dany says, advancing on him slightly. “People talk about it behind your backs. You are a famous joke, not only in Westeros, but in Essos, too – the man who fathered three children with his sister – who was a queen, and a king’s wife, not your own.”

Jaime keeps his head up, though he looks diminished by the effort. Blood is dripping off the stone seat and onto the floor. “They didn’t just say it behind our backs,” he says. “And I don’t care anymore. I love Cersei. I love her.”

His words, the warmth with which he proclaims them with ragged breaths, slice through Dany like a shard of ice. She will take the Iron Throne, but she will never have what Cersei had in Jaime.

“I don’t have a love like yours,” she says, pacing and looking through the massive hole she made in the wall, sunlight streaming through it. “In fact, I never will. So why should I let you be with your love now, in your last moments and in hers, when I can’t be with mine.” A scowl of vengeance roars like a lion throughout her. “Besides, perhaps I was misguided all along. My quarrel has never really been with Cersei, after all. It is with you, Kingslayer.”


The most unlikely of teams, their blades flash in unison, bouncing off the armour that is now melded with their quarry’s eerie blue skin.

“Why – won’t – you – fucking – die?!” Sandor Clegane screams, driving a sword into his brother’s heart for a second time, only to watch the monster pull it out like it were a splinter, and hurl Sandor backwards, almost tripping over Cersei’s body.

“He survived dragon fire,” Arya cries, parrying the Mountain’s sword with Needle. “A blade can’t kill him.”

The Hound’s weary eyes flash as the knowledge finally comes to him, and he knows he can do it, because the molten armour has made his brother even slower than before, and he is scorched by fire and clumsier than he once was.

And he knows he can do it because he now knows he is not trying to kill the Mountain.

Sandor screams, and while Arya distracts Ser Gregor’s hands and face, he dives to the floor, and slices his blade through the tendons of first his brother’s right foot, then the left. Ser Gregor is falling, a landslide of a man, before he can react; he is still on his back as Sandor severs the feet completely, blade cutting through flesh and tendon and bone until there are two disembodied feet on the floor.

Blood doesn’t spurt out in a geyser; it oozes and bubbles, a semi-solid acid slowly leaking from the sawn-off ankles.

The Mountain is not hurt; but he cannot stand or balance.

And then, they circle him, Arya Stark and Sandor Clegane, and they take no mercy on the monster before them as they separate first his hands from his wrists, hacking through until the hands fall, dead and stiff, to the floor, then they separate his arms from the shoulders, and finally the head, flailing and roaring, from the neck.

The disembodied head still roars, and Ser Gregor Clegane continues to live, but he is no longer an animal but a tree; alive but empty and impotent; an observer for a world and a brother that will now live without him, free.


“My father trusted you,” Dany says, facing Jaime Lannister squarely. “You were his hand. You betrayed him.”

“I had no choice!” Jaime protests. “Everyone except him understood that is Reign was over. He was a danger to the Realm, to everyone in King’s Landing – he was the Mad King. I saved lives that day. I would do it again if I had to. Perhaps,” he says, “someone will do that to you, since you seem to be following in your father’s footsteps.”

Jaime hears the scream, then, and he knows. His eyes begin to leak as he calls his sister’s name and nobody responds from the other side of the dragon’s enormous hide.

Dany scowls at him, her mind processing what the scream meant. “I never knew my father, but I know I am nothing like him,” she says proudly. “I am not a Mad Queen. I am here for justice. I am here to break the wheel – and you may be the final spoke to break.”

“I saved lives that day,” Jaime sobs, lowering his face as tears pool with the darkening blood.

“You didn’t save my father’s, or my mother’s, or my brother’s, or mine,” Dany says slowly, deliberately. “You made me an orphan. You made me grow up in exile. You caused me a life of unbearable suffering, revenge and loss. My tortured, wretched life is all thanks to you – you set this wheel spinning, and now, today, the wheel is broken for good. I will never let this happen again.”

Jaime opens his mouth to say his final words, but Daenerys interrupts him with one of her own.


The flames envelope the man who murdered her father, and the Kingslayer is dead.

The fire feels like soft warmth on Dany’s skin.


A silver-haired, violet-eyed woman strides through a sunlit stone chamber in an ultramarine dress. Her name is Daenerys Stormborn of House Targaryen, first of her name, the Unburnt, Breaker of Chains and Mother of Dragons.

And now, rightful Queen of the Seven Kingdoms of Westeros.

She walks, almost as in a dream, towards the Iron Throne: the seat forged by the swords of her ancestor’s fallen enemies. She has never seen it before, but it pulls her towards it, magnetic, and as she walks tears spring to her eyes. Her trials and suffering over so many years flash before her eyes, from the exile in Pentos to the Dothraki Sea, the journey across the Red Waste, the dangers of Qarth, her rise to power in Slaver’s Bay, as Queen of Meereen, her fleet finally sailing west to claim Dragonstone as she made alliances with the lords and ladies of Westeros.

As she closes in on the throne, faces and bodies appearing before her as if they are standing beside her in the room as she passes. Illyrio Mopatis, who sheltered her and her brother in Pentos; Viserys, her foolish brother; Khal Drogo, inclining his head; there is Daario Naharis, Hizdahr zo Loraq, Ser Jorah, Missandei of Naath, her two fallen dragons, her children … all of them now memories of a journey that has finally come to an end.

Dany reaches the Iron Throne, touches the blades that form its back, then sits upon it, a savage smile on her face as the cold metal presses through her dress.

Drogon takes to the skies through the gaping hole in the wall of the Red Keep, breathing fire into the air in glorious triumph.


They have seen each other during the dying light of that afternoon, but always at a distance, and always something more important was happening. Prisoners were taken: the defeated Lannister Army. Soldiers were celebrating – from the Unsullied, to the Dothraki, to the Northmen. The people of King’s Landing were emerging from their houses and hiding places, blinking in the red rays of sunset, like they could scarcely believe they had survived.

And there was always someone else to tend to, to bark orders at, to advise, to help. Grey Worm, Ser Davos, Tyrion, Arya, the Hound, captains and soldiers, maids who helped her bathe in the Queen’s quarters in the Red Keep, washing the soot and dirt from her pale skin.

But eventually, Jon Snow finds her, just before the dinner feast, when noise emanates throughout the castle.

Dany is sitting on the Iron Throne when Jon enters.

“Your Grace,” he says tentatively, like she is a creature he has never encountered before.

Dany smiles sadly and beckons him in. “Even after that night we spent at Winterfell, during the Battle of Ice and Fire, I still don’t think I’ve ever felt as cold as I do now. All my life I’ve wanted to sit in this room, and all I notice now is how cold it is. It is strange how cold this room feels, after having been in Winterfell. How empty this big room is. I can hear my voice echo, but never any laughter. How empty.”

“You committed a war crime. The bells had rung. Cersei had surrendered.”

“Cersei would never truly surrender. The only way peace would ever occur is if she was dead. I had to see to that.”

“But it’s wrong.”

“It was wrong for Jaime Lannister to murder my father. He did it for what he saw as the greater good. I did what I did for the same reason. You don’t have to agree with me. I am Queen of the Seven Kingdoms now. I don’t need your permission. But I do need to know why.”

“Why what?”

“Why you couldn’t be with me.”

“You know why. If I could un-know it, if I could undo it, I would. But knowing what I know … I’m sorry, Dany. I’m so sorry.”

“Cersei and Jaime Lannister made it work. People whispered about them behind their back, the whole world did, but they died loving each other.”

She pauses, seeing Jon’s awkwardness.

“But I know now it’s impossible. I can force a claim to the throne. I have a dragon. People are forced to respect me out of fear. But I cannot force you to love me in return. I will die one day, and I will know in that moment that I am worth less than Cersei Lannister, because I will die without knowing how it feels for the man I love to love me back.”

“I have loved, and I have lost, and I have died and survived it,” Jon replies neutrally. “More is survivable than you think.”

“But now, what to do with you, Aegon of houses Targaryen and Stark?”

“I told you, I don’t want it,” Jon says. “I don’t want any of it. Not King of the Realm. Not King of the North. None of it.”

“Then I shall grant you your wish,” Dany says. “But to be sure, I will send you somewhere far away where I know you will never leave; you will never be permitted to set foot in Kings Landing again, because to see you with another woman – to see her smile, or the light in my grandnephew’s eyes as she nurses him – would be enough to drive this queen as mad as her father, and that would be a terrible thing for the people to suffer especially with a dragon at her disposal. You will go to the Wall. You will be head of the nights watch. You will guard the Realm from any new threats should they arise again. You will spend your life serving and protecting me.”

Jon swallows. “Yes, your Grace.”


Targaryen banners are unfurled throughout the Red Keep and the throne room. Lords and ladies, knights and nobles and peasants are gathered from across the lands. All areas are represented.

Daenerys is crowned Queen at her coronation. She speaks to her subjects. “Twenty years ago, a great injustice was done. This injustice has been righted today. A Targaryen heir sits on the Iron Throne. The Realm is at peace.”

She brings in Drogon.

The crowd cries out, panicked at what might be about to occur.

Dany says “dracarys” and Drogon destroys the Iron Throne in a blast of fire, melts it into molten steel before the watching crowd.

“The former kingdom was built upon the weapons of enemies. I will craft a new Throne using the swords of allies of the Seven Kingdoms. My rule will be based on cooperation among all men, an agreement of the Seven Kingdoms to exist in peace, in exchange for the protection of the Dragon, and for the Dragon to leave them to run their kingdoms in peace.

Each of the Lords of each Kingdom lay down a sword to swear their allegiance.

Bells ring. Peace reigns.


A small council meeting is held. Tyrion is hand of the queen. Sam is Grand Maester. Ser Davos, Bronn, Brienne and Grey Worm are all on the council too. Tyrion presides over the meeting in classic Tyrion fashion. There is rebuilding to be done. Podrick is there too, as a squire for Dany, and we have the sense that she is using him as her new boytoy but there is no affection there.

Dany leaves the meeting and is called away by a minder to attend to something.


Arya is at the wharf in Blackwater Bay. She is about to step onto a ship when she sees the Hound drinking at a pub.

“What are you going to do?”

“I don’t think there is anything left to do. I was supposed to die and I didn’t. Nothing left here to raise my sword against, and raising a sword is why I exist. I figure I drink and fuck as hard as I can until one of those kills me instead. What are you doing?”

“What’s West of Westeros?”

“Nothing. There’s nothing West of Westeros. That’s why we call it Westeros. Otherwise it would be called fucking Middle-os, you daft bitch.”

Arya grins. “There’s a Stark ship setting sail today. I’m going to find what’s beyond the edge of the maps. There could be anything there.”

“What a stupid fucking idea.”

“I don’t belong in Westeros anymore. There’s nothing for a person like me here anymore. You could join me. A swordsman like you could be an asset against the unknown.”

“I’d get to raise my sword again.”

“I can’t imagine we’ll go unchallenged.”

“Will you keep your cunt mouth shut or will it be flapping open the whole fucking time?”

Arya grins.


In Winterfell, Sansa sits with her dire wolf overlooking Bran in the tree area, who is piling into a cart.

She goes outside. “Where are you going now?”

Bran says, “I’m needed in Old Town. They don’t know it yet, but they need me. I need to tell them what I know.”

“And what is that?” Sansa asks.

Bran looks at her with disinterest. “There is a surviving Targaryen who has been groomed to be king.”

“Jon doesn’t want it. He’s been banished to the Nights Watch now anyway.”

“Not Jon. Another. A Targaryen who would have claim to the throne; who was hidden away in Essos. Now that his protectors have seen Westeros accept a Targaryen regent, steps may be set in motion.” He pauses. “I must be in Old Town to ensure they aren’t set in motion.” He pauses again. “I won’t be coming back.”

Sansa nods and hugs him. “You aren’t my brother, are you?”

“Not really, no.”

Bran leaves in his cart. Sansa watches him with a tear in her eye. After he leaves, she goes into the crypt. She visits the graves of her father, Eddard, the mother, Catelyn, her brother Robb and his wife, Theon, Rickon. She thinks of Bran, Jon, Arya. All gone. She is the last of the Starks.

Gendry knocks on her door. “We have arrived from Highgarden.”

Sansa smiles. The last of the Starks for now.


Jon arrives at the Night’s Watch, Castle Black. Greeted by Tormund and the others there. Pats his Dire Wolf, Ghost.


Arya and the Hound sail past the Iron Islands, into the unknown in the West, a smile on her face.


Sansa reigns in Winterfell, Gendry by her side.


Bran’s cart arrives in Oldtown. He draws his cloak around himself and gets on with business.


Dany meets with a peasant woman who wants to appeal to her about a business matter. Then she is told that they were almost killed by Cersei Lannister’s army until Dany and Drogon arrived and blasted through the walls of the city. She says thank you.

Dany feels surprised to have any reaction other than fear. She is immensely touched. Never will she know the love she wants – and she knows that for sure, because her love will never return to her – but that she could give love, and receive thanks … This might be enough to sustain her.

She climbs aboard Drogon. Now that she knows peace, where might they go to find silence? She takes to his back and they fly for a long way; over King’s Landing; across Blackwater Bay; to Dragonstone, the ancestral home.

There were others once, like her, in a place called Valyria. Jorah told her. Perhaps there can be eggs found there. New dragons. New children. New life.

“Drogon, let’s take a detour,” Dany says, feeling her robes crinkle with icicles as they fly higher, into the stratosphere, together.


On the brink of The Brink

G’day crew,

My second novel THE BRINK is published tomorrow and I am so excited for it.

I had intended to write a more comprehensive blog post to herald this book’s release, but I’ve been swamped for a long time.

I was doing a podcast interview earlier today when I mentioned how I recall the specific moment my career exploded. I was standing in the art exhibition space in building 16 at Edith Cowan University’s Mount Lawley Campus in mid-2018, back when I worked there, and while setting up for the event, I glanced at my phone and saw an email from Griffith Review.

The email stated that my novella “Poster Boy” had been declared one of the five winners of the 2018 Novella Project competition, and would be published in Griffith Review #62 later that year.

I remember being numb with shock, disbelief, excitement, anticipation. It had been a long slog to get any of my work recognised. And this email came a few months after a phone call with my then-agent, who advised me that the big 5 publishers in Australia had all rejected the full-length novel manuscript we were pitching to them, titled INVISIBLE BOYS.

I remember taking that phone call in March 2018, a few minutes before teaching an Academic Writing tutorial at ECU for their University Preparation Course. My heart sank through the floor. I remember saying to my agent, “So, is INVISIBLE BOYS dead in the water, or what?” And while she assured me it wasn’t, I feared my career was over before it had begun, and had to go on to cheerily teach a class about how to write an academic essay while inside I felt devastated that I would never make it as an author.

So, just a few months later, when I stood in that white-walled art exhibition space and saw the email from Griffith Review, I was ecstatic. Something was happening! Something I wrote was getting published in a really respected journal. I remember how my colleagues – Sarah, Shad and Julie – celebrated with me, supported me, and encouraged me. It was an awesome win after a long few months of failure.

When “Poster Boy” got published, I was given a few thousand dollars of prize money. It was the first time I’d made any real money off my writing, ever. And I remember that moment as the start of an avalanche, because a few weeks later, INVISIBLE BOYS was shortlisted for the Hungerford, and then it won, and then things went KABOOM .

I mention the mid-2018 “Poster Boy” moment because it was from that moment that my career kicked up a gear and I felt overwhelmed by it for the longest time. The world became a gigantic, non-stop hustle. The INVISIBLE BOYS tour was awesome. But it also made me dissociate the fuck out of my body almost every gig, because it was just so intense to revisit that trauma over and over.

It wasn’t until late 2021 that I started to feel like I had any level of control over my life again. I started learning how to say no to things, how to put up boundaries, how to protect and defend my writing time and my time to just be a human being. I learned how to define myself beyond being a writer. I found a lot of peace and comfort in weightlifting, and cardio, and playing social footy, and working as a labourer again.

I mention this because my headspace, now, today, the day before my second novel comes out, is so wildly different to how I felt the first time.

When INVISIBLE BOYS came out I felt like a newborn foal taking his first shaky steps only to cop a torrent of fire-hose-pressure water to the face. I felt knocked off my feet. I had only just worked out who I was, and then the whole world seemed to just COME AT ME, with its misreadings and expectations and projections. Ahh, it was amazing and horrific in equal measure.

Tonight, I am sitting at my desk with a can of bourbon, pausing for just a minute to reflect on how I feel before THE BRINK goes out into the world.

I am really happy to say that this time around, I don’t feel overwhelmed. I don’t feel like a nervous foal finding his feet in a dangerous environment.

I feel like a goddamn wild stallion.

This time around, I know who I am. I know I am not everyone’s cuppa tea and I don’t give a shit. I’ve happily set up a whole tour where I can put myself out there, show up as I really am, meet a whole heap of you guys, and then promptly retreat back to my cave to take care of myself once it’s done.

This headspace was hard-won. I pushed back against the expectation that authors, gay YA authors specifically, have some duty to be good role models (fuck that – it’s unhealthy!) and I rejected the projection of literary class that was foisted upon me in the public eye by proudly accepting my status as a bogan on season seven of the ABC’s TV show YOU CAN’T ASK THAT (I’m not kidding – the moment that episode aired I felt this bulk sense of relief that I didn’t have to pretend to be anything other than a Gero dero anymore).

I really can’t overstate how much these moves have made a difference to how settled I feel.

I don’t feel any pressure to be perfect or well-behaved or anybody’s role model.

I don’t feel the weight of being an award-winning literary author.

I feel more comfortable showing up as myself now. The good parts and the bad.

It makes the eve of a new book release far less daunting than last time. Instead of this sense of dread and terror, I feel excited.

I have written a book I am proud of. It is, as John Mellencamp would say, the best that I could do. It is a book about self-discovery and self-love. It is about wrestling your own identity back from who the world wants and expects you to be – something I have spent the past few years trying to do. It is, I hope, an ode to self-empowerment and finding a way to be yourself, even if the climate around you has always made you feel like shit. It is about Leonardo, the shy, terrified boy who wants to be tough; and Kaiya, the high-achiever who wants to be bad; and Mason, the footy jock who wants to be with his best mate, Jared. It is about burning your fake persona down to find who you really are – who you really wanna be.

It’s also a kickarse thriller (well, I reckon it is). I hope youse like it.

With all the edits to THE BRINK obviously now completed, and my third book draft completed and sent off to my agent and publisher earlier today, I am finally able to get back to blogging and sharing more writing and reflections with you guys again – just in time for my tour.

You can find out more about THE BRINK here.

And if you wanna come see me on tour, here’s the details of where you can find me in the coming weeks.

Can’t wait to connect with youse again as I hit the road across Australia over the coming months – seeyas out there!


I Am Not The Role Model You’re Looking For

The first time it happened was two weeks into my book tour.

At the end of my author talk at a library in Perth, a well-intentioned (and very nice) audience member asked a question that got under my skin.  

She asked how I felt about becoming a role model.

I was immediately horrified by this question, and I told her so. I explained that being held up as a paragon of anything was anathema to me, and I wasn’t interested in that kind of public role.  

But, she insisted, my example would be of interest to gay people, to young men, to people in general. She had just heard me talk about sexuality and shame, masculinity and identity, mental health and self-care. She thought these were important conversations.

I agreed. These themes are central to my book and my work. But I didn’t want to be seen as exclusively positive and wholesome. That terrified me.

The promo cycle for the book rolled on, and the “role model” question came up again and again – and continues to.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s a super nice thing to have said to you. And I learned to be more courteous in my response. I didn’t want to come across as a completely ungrateful prick. After all, not long ago a man like me would have been derided, scorned, barred from events at schools; go far back enough and I would’ve been locked up.

So, “role model” is hardly a slur. It just made me intensely uncomfortable.

Once I looked up the meaning of the term – a person who someone admires and whose behaviour they try to copy – I thought, okay, that’s not so bad. If a closeted teenage boy could look at me and see there are many different ways of being homosexual, and that gave him something tangible to shape himself in accordance with, okay, fine. If that helps someone, fine.

But the terror has never gone away, because most people don’t just want a ‘role model’.

They want a good role model.

That’s the term that makes me want to run away.

A ‘good’ person behaves well and conforms to the norms and customs of society, and, to be frank, the norms and customs of western culture in 2021 are fucking horrible.

Being a good artist, or a good gay man, in this era, carries particular behavioural expectations. I have learned this from interactions over the past few years, and even in just the past week. I am expected to speak and behave in a certain way; effuse a certain toxic positivity and purity; project my morality and politics publicly; call out and be outraged by any fellow artist or gay deemed even slightly problematic, while never being deemed problematic myself. I am tacitly expected to become an activist by default – not just in my art either, but in a vitriolic, showy way on social media.

My sense is that in 2021, to be in the public eye, to be a minority in the public eye no less, is to be held to an excessively high standard of performative virtuous behaviour, bordering on squeaky-clean, lemony-fresh perfection.

This is sick.

That pressure to be “good” for the public is deeply unhealthy. Nobody is perfect. Nobody is even that crash hot. It’s human nature to be kind of nice but also sometimes a piece of shit. To pretend otherwise feels so disingenuous. We are all made of dark and light, shadow and persona.

This is particularly true of artists. We are often damaged people. We have a tendency to be mentally ill, addicted, traumatized, sensitive, troubled. I am all of these things. Most artists and writers I know are, too, to varying degrees. This side of our selves often informs much of our art, and explains why we can be navel-gazing and temperamental at the best of times.  

And the thing is, this drive for perfect behaviour sets me off because I’ve been there. I am proof of why it’s a terrible idea to pretend you are pure; when you let the persona take over and try to perform virtue for the world, in order to obtain safety, love, popularity, relevance, group acceptance, validation, or whatever it is you’re seeking.

This happened when I was a teenager. I was a big homo. I nearly killed myself because I grew up in a place, time, culture, class, religion, and family setting where homosexuality was a shameful thing. But also, I kept that stuff – what the world around me had deemed evil and sinful – hidden and private. Externally, I tried to become the paragon of a moral Catholic boy in as many ways as I could: praying to God, writing to God, studying the bible, wearing my crucifix, being straight, parroting Catholic views like they would undo what was going on in my heart.

I worked hard, and constantly, to be a performatively virtuous person. It obliterated my own sense of identity, my own humanity, and drove me to the point of suicide.

Thankfully, I didn’t kill myself. I got help from an anonymous mental health service, which saved my life.

I then wrote a book about my experiences. And the underlying message of that book was not just that it’s okay to be gay (although – spoiler alert – it is).

The point is that trying to conform to the world’s estimations of what makes a good person is an unhealthy and self-destructive endeavour. If you give yourself over to what the world thinks of you, you will lose yourself.

In the acknowledgements of my book, I wrote about my troubled teenage self; how my key lesson from having gone through a suicidal level of self-loathing is that I am good enough as I am.

It feels like a dereliction of duty for me to not, then, defend this idea in public, as well as in my art. There is a vexing misunderstanding that the thing that nearly killed me was homophobia. It wasn’t.

What nearly killed me was shame.

It was shame, thrown by others, internalised within me. Shame for being human, for being myself, for not being perfect, for being slightly bad. The world told me I was bad for being homosexual. I felt ashamed for it. The shame slowly destroyed my will to live.

Becoming painfully well-behaved, performing morality and flawlessness to please those in positions of authority, was the best thing I knew to do to survive at the time. But it made me sick, and I know it drives many to an early grave.

I have spent years clawing my way back from that teenage precipice. I have learned not to abandon myself, but to stay with myself. I have learned that all the shame an entire planet can throw at me cannot and will not divorce me from the knowledge that I am, at my core, okay.

Nowhere in that process of un-internalising that shame did any therapist suggest I start throwing shame back at those who had hurt me. Why would I hurt people the way I’d been hurt?

When I came out in 2008, Western culture seemed to be moving towards becoming less judgmental, less shaming, more tolerant of difference. A world more interested in living and letting live.

That idea feels laughable in 2021. Nature abhors a vacuum, and the human need to shame and punish one another supersedes any dogmatic Abrahamic religion. We currently live in a culture of permanent outrage: those we disagree with are not humans to be tolerated, but enemies to be called out and destroyed. We are not encouraged to be kind.

The crux is: my sense is that to be seen as a role model in this era would be to support and reify shame. I would be buying into a reductive, unkind system that is quite as crushingly inhumane and airless as the deeply moralistic one that almost killed me. I know how destructive that is. I know how many people take their lives because of shame. Everyone carries their own burden, often in silence. Throwing shame is destructive; internalising that shame can be fatal.

So, I won’t do it.

Trying to mould myself into who I think people want me to be would be unhealthy. My career might gain more relevance if I started ranting about sociopolitical minutiae on Twitter, but the gratification of those retweets would be cold comfort for my impaired wellbeing.

This culture has plenty of artist-activists. I don’t want to be one of them. Just “artist” is cool with me.

And I can make my peace with being a role model if that helps someone, but I would very much like to not be a good one.

I think I now understand why that original question bugged me so much. It’s not that I’m ungrateful; I just don’t want to be misread. Not after having gone through some dark shit on my way to get where I am. I feel that misrepresentation would wreck me.

So, if, as my career grows, I’m going to be held up as an example of something, let it not be model behaviour.

I’d rather be an example of being flawed; of being an imperfect person in an imperfect world; of cutting yourself some slack; of being allowed to be a bloody human being.

In a culture addicted to toxic perfection, and an era so unforgiving toward human nature, I don’t believe it’s just okay for artists to show these flaws. I reckon it’s vital.


2020 in Review & My Goals for 2021

Man. This year was a real shitshow, ay?

We’re all familiar enough with why 2020 was a giant tyre fire. Thankfully, it looks like the tide is turning. 2021 will hopefully (*touches wood repeatedly*) be a better year.

Every December, I reflect on the past year and plan for the one ahead. When I made my 2020 goals, I had no idea what was about to unfold. Consequently, many of my goals – like everyone’s – went to hell.

Weirdly, my career thrived in 2020. I don’t take that for granted. Invisible Boys landed a slew of accolades, culminating in winning the WA Premier’s Prize for an Emerging Writer in August. I also signed with a new agent for my next books, and sold the film and TV rights for Invisible Boys, which is now in development as a ten-episode TV series. This stuff was fucken awesome, especially against the backdrop of a heinous year.

That said, despite the luminosity of career highlights, this year was a bit of an annus horribilis for me personally. I started the year with an injury, dislocating my shoulder for a second time, which derailed my health and fitness for months. The gym and footy do a lot to keep my head above water, and losing both was a major struggle. After that was a two-month lockdown, financial strife as my income dried up for the year, the death of a family member, a car accident that injured my back, a house flood and insurance battles, then a very public legal quagmire. From January through to December, my mental health was the worst it’s been in ages. This stuff was fucken terrible, especially against the backdrop of a heinous year.

The mix of light and dark in 2020 was starker than in most years, and there was a chasm between people’s perceptions of how good my life must be and how shit I actually felt. But upon reflection after a strange year, I have my health, I have my husband, I have a career I love, and I live in a relatively safe part of the world. I am lucky.

And despite a year of thwarted dreams for many, people across the globe are arming themselves with the usual December hope that next year will be better. I share this hope. Setting goals helps me take stock of how far I’ve come and refocus my energies. Looking back and looking forward is how I stay motivated.

So, I set 10 goals for 2020, split between writing goals and personal life goals.

Here’s how I went:


1. Sign a contract for Book 2 and do edits for that.

Well, this didn’t happen. My first agent left the publishing business, and so I signed with a new agent mid-year: the brilliant Gaby Naher of Left Bank Literary. Gaby requested edits to the manuscript, and this led to an extensive rewrite. Technically, I did sign a contract with my agent for Book 2, and I did do edits for it. But the goal was to sign a contract with a publisher, which hasn’t yet happened. Book 2 will be pitched to publishers in 2021.

Result: FAIL (but PROGRESS).

2. Promote IB until it has been flogged to death (NB: may have already happened).

I reckon I did what I set out to do here. Despite the pandemic leading to the cancellation of loads of gigs, including events and festivals over east, I still landed a bunch of gigs, many of them online, to sustain myself and promote the book. There was loads of media to promote the book and heaps of good word of mouth. I worked hard on this one, and I achieved my goal.

Result: SUCCESS.

3. Get 1 piece of short fiction & 1 piece of journalism published.

My short story “Irreversible” was published in a special edition of Westerly in February 2020, so I got the first part done. However, the journalistic piece eluded me. I did have an offer of a commissioned piece mid-year, but I had to turn it down as the deadline was impossible given what I was juggling at the time. I enjoy writing articles, though, so I’ll keep this on the backburner for the future.

Result: HALF SUCCESS, HALF FAIL (note to self: don’t put two different goals in one next time).

4. Start work on Book 3.

This is one goal the pandemic actually made easier. I didn’t just start Book 3 – I wrote the whole thing in five weeks while we were in lockdown in April-May. I have hardly glanced at this manuscript since I finished it and I feel I’ve really benefited from staying away from reading it for more than six months. I’ll have a fresh perspective when I dive into rereading and editing it in 2021.  

Result: SUCCESS.

5. Super Secret Project X!!!

This referred to the adaptation of Invisible Boys as a film or TV series, which I was having conversations about last December but hadn’t yet signed a deal. In August, we announced these rights were optioned by Nick Verso and Tania Chambers, and earlier this month, we received development funding from Screenwest. I am so stoked the TV series is going into development in 2021 and can’t wait to see how it unfolds.  

Result: SUCCESS.


6. Maintain average 5 workouts per week (weightlifting and cardio).

Somehow, I actually managed this. For most of the year it was 6 days per week, helped by the fact that footy counts as cardio. There were some crap weeks where I only exercised two or three times, but overall I maintained a steady level of regular near-daily fitness this year and I’m proud of that. I want to keep going with this into 2021.  

Result: SUCCESS.

7. Shred up & reach goal weight of 73 kg by 30 June 2020.

Not sure whether to laugh or cry at this one. I weighed 86 kg when I made this goal. Despite exercising like a muthafucka all year, I also started comfort eating and drinking bulk alcohol during lockdown. By July, I was 87 kg – even heavier than December. I got my shit together in October, gained some muscle and lost some fat, and consequently weighed in at 83 kg last week. Considering the year I had, this is good progress, but still a far cry from my ambitions of major shreddage.

Result: EPIC FAIL.

8. Get tattoos – July 2020. 😊

This goal is also in tatters. The plan was get ripped, then get inked. I haven’t achieved the first so the second hasn’t followed. Bum-bow. I know I can get tattoos whatever my body shape, but my vain heart wants what it wants.

Result: FAIL.

9. Train harder at footy, get less shit & play at least 1 whole AFL 9s season with the Hornets.

Despite my injuries, I trained harder at footy than in 2019. I played a whole season of AFL 9s with the Hornets, save for a couple of games when I had work. And I ultimately got a bit less shit: I am still not a stellar footy player, but I’m better than I was twelve months ago. I can only try to keep improving and hopefully, over time, become a more useful and competitive player.

Result: SUCCESS.

10. Do 1 whole term of guitar lessons (10 weeks).

Okay, this one completely fell by the wayside. I was too busy to dedicate time to this every week for a whole school term. I do still really want to learn guitar, though.


Ultimately, I succeeded at about half my goals and failed at the remaining half. That’s a pass mark overall, right?

I am not fazed by the failures. Every year, I set goals knowing I will achieve some and fall short of others. This is the nature of goal setting and life. It doesn’t stop me enjoying the process of aiming high and it helps me work out which goals I don’t feel passionate about and which I really want to work harder at next time.

2020 hampered a lot of my goals, so my list for 2021 looks very similar, with some minor tweaks:



1. Sign a publishing contract for Book 2 and do further edits on it.

2. Complete the second draft of Book 3.

3. Progress the TV Series adaptation of Invisible Boys.

4. Get 1 piece of short fiction OR journalism commissioned, contracted or published.


5. Maintain an average of 5 workouts per week (between weightlifting, footy and cardio).

6. Get nutrition sorted to shred up and reach goal weight of 75 kg by 30 June 2021.

7. Get first tattoos in 2021.

8. Train harder at footy and grow more confident and useful to the team in games.

9. Do at least one guitar lesson.

10. Do some fun shit for pure enjoyment.

When I look at these goals, I feel strongly about making them all a reality. I’ll do my level best. I love having goals to chase and I can’t wait to get started on all of these.

What are your goals for 2021? Are they focused mostly on career, or on life, or a mix of both?

Here’s to a better year ahead for all of us.


Would I Change My Past?

The other day, I was asked a question that stumped me.

I was doing a talk at a high school, and a year 9 boy asked me if, given how much I suffered, would I change anything about my younger years?

I did the standard public speaker response when you are asked a question you have no idea how to answer: “Wow, that’s a really great question. Thank you so much for asking it.”

Depending on how slowly you utter this, and how strategically you structure your pauses, you can draw this out for five to ten seconds – enough time to throw together a response.

But even after those few seconds of scrambling, I still didn’t have an answer.

I ended up thinking out loud with the audience to meander my way to a quick response – that I probably wouldn’t change things – but I didn’t have space to explain why.  

Growing up homosexual in the broad circumstances I did – a country town, blue collar, Sicilian-Australian, Roman Catholic environment – gave me certain messages about being gay. It was effete; unmasculine; it made me a faggot or a finocchio; it made me evil and sick. Bad bad bad.

But these external messages, in isolation, are not what fucked me up.

What fucked me up was my response to those circumstances. Being gay in that world seemed like it would annihilate me and everything I was supposed to be. So, for years, I fought it, denied it, deleted it. I perceived it as a mortal sin; prayed to God to fix me; dug out my baptismal crucifix and wore it like a talisman; studied the Bible hoping to drive the devil out of me. This led to that spiral down into depression, self-loathing, and eventually the suicidal ideation I wrote about in Invisible Boys.

So yes, the world was hostile to my existence. But I was more hostile to myself than the world was.

I know sixteen-year-old me only did what he did to try to survive. I probably wouldn’t have done it if my external environment told me it was okay to be gay; that I was good enough just as I was.

But I don’t sit down with my therapist to unpack the world and its fuckery. Sure, I could blame the world, but what a waste of time. I can’t change society any more than I can solve suffering on a global scale. Both would be Sisyphean to attempt, and nobody will ever succeed at either.

I do sit down to work with my therapist around how I treat myself, and that is where my recovery process begins and ends: with me, on the micro level. Those microcosmic changes are what ripple out to influence the macrocosm, but I can’t start with the world. I must start with me.

I have spent a long time recovering from how cruel I was to myself. My self-loathing runs deep, and even now, on a bad day, I can be right back there in that dark well in a split second. I have a track record of treating myself worse than I would ever consider treating another human being: with revulsion and disgust and utter contempt. I can turn on myself very quickly.

It might seem logical, then, that if given the chance, I would change this.  

But being cruel to myself in my younger years made me more resilient in the long run.

For instance, sometimes I meet someone new who seeks to insult me, denigrate me, humiliate me, embarrass me, or reduce me. This is less common than when I was younger, when I had no discernment and would hang around people who made a sport of ridiculing me, but it still happens.

When I was younger, I listened to anyone who insulted me. I tried to make them like me. I tried to embody the characteristics they admired and squash out the traits they derided. I laughed at their ridicule of me to make them tolerate my presence. I performed like this constantly and if they didn’t stop insulting me – which they didn’t – I would blame myself for not doing enough to make them like me.

I did this most of my life. I don’t do it anymore.

These days, when I encounter someone like this, I feel a bit immune to their bullshit. Like, what can they say to me that is worse than what I have said to myself? Nothing. I was the most destructive person in my life for years. So, every time someone in my life tries to have a go at me, even in subtle, passive-aggressive ways, I just think, You can’t hurt me. They can’t. They will never come close to making me feel as bad about myself as I already did.

That isn’t to say I’m impervious to being emotionally wounded. Far from it. I have a sensitive temperament. I have a propensity for listening to critical voices, either my own, those of others, or those of society, that tell me I am not okay.

But I know now that there is nothing wrong with me. The message that I am not okay at my core is what is inaccurate, always, whether it’s me or someone else saying it.

So, the moment I get a whiff that someone is going to be destructive towards me, I don’t try to please them, or get them to change. I just get the fuck out. I cut them off, stop talking to them, stop investing time in them, block and delete if it’s online. I keep their toxicity as far away from me as possible. Their voices do not bear listening to, and whatever I do hear, I don’t take on board.  

But this is a response I’m not sure an otherwise serene adolescence could have manufactured. It is a resilience borne of self-acceptance overcoming self-abnegation; a powerful alkali neutralising a corrosive acid.

That is to say: I am not sure I could have ended up where I am without having gone through what I did. I don’t know if I could know self-acceptance and wholeness if I hadn’t, at one point, hated myself so much I was willing to abandon myself entirely. Living through my own personal brand of shit made me who I am.

What if I had grown up in a wealthy, inner-city, left-wing suburb, in a white-collar family, with no cultural or religious prejudices towards homosexuality? Or what if I had grown up heterosexual?

I don’t know who I’d be or what I’d be like, but I do know that guy wouldn’t be me.

And even if those facets of my life changed, I don’t think I’d be happier or unmolested by life. I would have suffered anyway. All humans suffer and our suffering shapes our lives. My suffering would have just had a different colour.

So, to answer that kid from the high school library: no, I wouldn’t change anything about my past.

The only thing I would have changed about my younger years is that I would have been kinder to myself. But I feel okay with how things played out for me. It is my past cruelty towards myself that led me to a sense of what psychologists call unconditional self-acceptance.

The arrows I slung at myself along the way were misguided, but they both toughened my hide and taught me to put down the bow.  


On Blind Ambition and Bucket Lists

About three years ago, during a time of massive failure, I went back to my uni to visit my writing lecturer.

At the time – early 2017 – I had both lost my full-time job and had to abandon my failure of a fantasy novel. From every angle, I felt like a loser. I wanted my lecturer’s advice, and comfort, and to try to recapture that student feeling that dreams could come true.

As I told my lecturer about my book’s inability to interest agents, and how I realised my novel wasn’t good enough, I tried to find a way to fan the flames in my chest into words.

“I’m going to make it,” I told her, resolutely.

“I know you will,” she replied.

No, she wasn’t getting it, I thought. I wasn’t just some writing student who sort of wanted to get published. This wasn’t just a career that I may or may not proceed with. This was my life. This was almost the only thing in the whole world that I cared about. This was the only way I made sense as a fully-rounded human.

“I mean I won’t stop until I make it,” I elaborated. “No matter what. Even if I have to write a whole new book, even if I have to self-publish first before I can get a traditional publishing deal, even if it takes me years and years, the rest of my life, I will get there.”

“I believe you,” she said, with an ‘ease up, turbo, or I’ll press the duress button’ kind of look.

I remember that day, and that era, as the point where I kicked my ambition up a notch.

Ambition had always been the undercurrent of my personality, since the age of seven, when I first knew I wanted to be a writer. I am not ashamed of my ambitious nature. I am proud of it, actually. It would have been easy to give up on this dream at an early age. A boy from a blue-collar background in a country town doesn’t have the most inspiring pedigree for a literary career. In order to become a bona fide published novelist, I had to reach beyond my station in life, defy expectations and obstacles, and keep going in the face of many years of scorn, disinterest, rejection and abject failure.

Ambition – that craving to get the thing I wanted – is what pushed me to persevere and rise above all of that. I believed – and still believe – that if you want something dearly, and work hard for it, you can eventually achieve it. I am living proof of this approach.

But at that particular time, I knew standard ambition wasn’t enough. I had to move to a total war, scorched earth approach to achieving my dreams.

So I did.

I doubled down on my ambition. This was the only way I could pick myself up from what is probably the nadir of my career so far; if I did not fight back and push on twice as hard, I would have crumpled.

This blind ambition moved me through a hard time, and made me achieve a lot. It made me dig deep and write about something real: my novel Invisible Boys was born from this process and was written in the winter of 2017.

Moreover, my blind ambition spurred me on to do more than just write. It made me get on social media and work hard at building a platform. It made me cut way back on socialising and prioritise the hustle. It made me treat my day jobs as secondary, so I was author first, worker second. It made me quit smoking, take up exercise, eat better, lose weight, push myself out of my comfort zone. It helped me get what I want and it made me increasingly happy.

As my dreams began to come to fruition, winning awards and landing a publishing contract, I started to think about where I was going.

In 2018, I wondered how I would measure success, and the best metric I had was unemployment. That is, the day I can quit my job and live off my writing full-time, I would have made it.

Earlier this year, I realised I was embarking on a career-long mountain climb – the first novel was just an early peak, but not the summit. I have my eyes on bigger goals now – a mountain still to climb.

In both of these reflections, my only metrics for success were the continued pursuit of my dreams. On one level, I don’t really have a problem with this. In 2018, I wrote how a quote from Paulo Coelho’s masterpiece, The Alchemist, sums up my approach to life:

“No heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second’s encounter with God and with eternity.”

In other words, if you spend your whole life trying to become a successful writer, but never achieve fame and fortune, you’ll still have a happy heart and a fucking awesome life, because you spent all your time doing what makes you joyous: writing.

The paragraph above is ripped word-for-word from my 2018 post, and still sums up how I feel. So, I guess I’m still blindly ambitious, although perhaps I’m using that term too liberally. Some people would interpret blind ambition as compromising your values to get what you want, stabbing people in the back and walking over their corpses to climb a career ladder, shouting “don’t you know who I am?” – that kind of shit. I haven’t done that, ever. (Well, okay, I have said the last one, but only as a joke, I swear!)

And while I’ll continue to be ambitious, something cropped up recently that made me think more deeply about what I want.

It started when I interviewed Natasha Lester at Perth Festival in February, and she talked about becoming a New York Times bestselling author. When her publicist said, “you can check that off your bucket list”, Natasha replied that she had never had it on there in the first place. (In a bit of a boss move, however, she did then jot it down and cross it off, just so she could say she had – ha!)

That interview drew my attention to the idea of a bucket list – the list of things you want to do before you die. Then, a few months later, I was filling out a player profile for my AFL 9s team, The Perth Hornets – a social media “get to know your player” thing. One of the questions was “what’s your top bucket list item?”

Well, I don’t have a bucket list, I thought. I just want to make a living from writing.

But that goal begged a question: before I die, how do I want to live? What would I actually do with that full-time writer living if I achieved it?

My worker bee response to this was this: keep writing.

And this is where I discovered the downside of blind ambition. For all the success this approach has yielded, it has also left me stunted in my focus. I am a blinkered thoroughbred horse and I cannot see anything but the finish line of this enormous race I trained myself for.

On my player profile, I wrote my top bucket list item as:

“Owning some rural land with my dream ute and dirt bike – that’s it!”

Not super exciting, but it was my first, unfettered response, so I wrote it and moved on with my day.

But then a couple of things happened that brought my own mortality sharply into focus.

Firstly, my uncle died, far too young. He was a good man, and I care deeply about him and his family. I returned home to see my relatives, and attend his funeral. I delivered the eulogy, and as I rehearsed it, I was struck by how contented my uncle was with his life. Not only was he a kind, gentle and good-natured man – he was content. He worked hard as a bricklayer to provide for his family, but also to provide for himself. He enjoyed his life. He was at his happiest sitting on the balcony of the dream house he built for himself and his family, having his morning coffee and overlooking the spectacular cobalt blue of the Indian Ocean.

The second thing that happened was that I was in a car accident a few days ago.

It was, thankfully, not fatal. My car was stationary at the back of a long line of traffic on the freeway at peak hour, and the car behind me just didn’t stop – he ploughed directly into my Commodore and smashed it beyond repair – it’s a write-off. I was in shock and apparently responding quite slowly to paramedics and had back pain and whiplash, so I was taken to hospital by ambulance and wasn’t allowed to move my head or neck or spine for hours until they had done scans.

According to the X-rays, nothing was broken. I was released to go home and heal my back – which would be sore and stiff for a while, they said – and to take care of myself mentally and emotionally – which is expected to take longer. But all things considered, I appear to be okay. Hopefully there won’t be any long term impacts.

When we left the hospital, my husband (author Raphael Farmer) asked me if I’d had any revelations. Had the accident made me see life differently? I was alive, but that was pure luck: if the other car had been going faster, that might have been the end of me.

When I imagine my death, I see myself very old and grey, in bed with Raphael, and we both die in our sleep at the same time, peacefully and never having to mourn the other. This is what I hope for. But that night, had things gone worse, my death might have been in the twisted metal of a Holden Commodore on my way home from having San Churros with a mate, my last thought about how frustrating peak-hour traffic is on the Mitchell Freeway.

To say this was merely sobering is the same as saying 2020 has been just been a little challenging.

I told Raphael that no, I hadn’t had any great shake-up in terms of my life direction. Laying on that stretcher, I realised I am already living the life I want, which is reassuring. I have a husband I love, and who loves me; I have a fulfilling career as a writer; I have hobbies and pastimes and sports I enjoy and family and mates whose company I value.

Unexpectedly, the first thing I said to my husband was about a material desire: “I’m going to finally buy my ute.”

Maybe it’s dumb, but because I don’t come from money, and writing is rarely lucrative, I always knew I could have either the dream or the material possessions, but not both.

Blind ambition meant it was an easy sacrifice to make: the dream comes first.

But there are consequences to this way of living. I don’t spend money on my house: I live in a cheap rental in a cheap suburb and I don’t remember the last time I bought any furniture for it. I don’t spend money on my car: I drive (or drove) a cheap sixteen-year-old sedan. I don’t spend money on anything: for years, I haven’t replaced our broken washing machine, or our broken second-hand mattress that hurts our backs every night, or my ancient laptop which is so painfully slow I want to scream and throw it against the wall every time I use it. And so on, and so forth.

It always seemed like a worthwhile trade. Short-term pain for long-term gain. To some extent, it has made my achievements as a writer possible, so I don’t regret that.

But what if achieving a sustainable career as a writer takes another five, ten, twenty years? Would it be worth living a hindered, shitty quality of life for that long if it meant getting more novels published?

Before my uncle passed away, and before my car accident, I would have said yes.

Now, my answer is no.

I’ve been thinking more about how I want to live. Not my goals, but how I spend my day to day life.

So this is what I want, long term. I want to live with my husband on a bit of land – a good few acres, somewhere semi-rural, but close enough to the amenities of the city, where I can write from a writing den in my house and travel to the city/further afield for appearances and gigs. On said land, I’d like to have a dirt bike to ride around on, and I’d love to have my dream ute (a Holden SSV or Maloo).

That’s my bucket list. Everything else is gravy.

The house and land will take time to achieve – and the dirt bike is an extravagant toy.

But since I need a new car now anyway – dammit, I’m gonna get a ute. I’ve wanted once since 2007. It’s unrelated to any sense of achievement. It doesn’t help my career. I just want it for me. I’ve been busting my arse working since I was seven. I think it’s time I got something nice for myself.

I’m gonna find a way to get a new mattress, and washing machine, and laptop, too. Chasing dreams is not pleasurable if I’m running the whole way with holes in my shoes.

I will always be ambitious and hardworking, but the time for unadulterated, blind ambition is, for me, over.

I’ve always been a country boy who wants far more from life than he was ever poised to inherit organically. I still want to achieve big things before I die. I still want to scale this mountain.

But now I’m looking forward to seeing, feeling and enjoying the climb, too.


END OF A DECADE – 2009 vs 2019

Dear mates,

There was no way I was going to miss posting a reflective message about the end of a whole goddamn decade. 🥳🥳

I chose these two photos to juxtapose because they exhibit the positive change a decade has wrought on me. 😁😁

The biggest change is not on the outside, but within.

The 2009 me on the left is smiling, but he has no confidence, no self-esteem and loathes himself most days. He thinks he’s not good enough. He cares what others think so much that he lets their opinions shadow, plague and dictate his own self-talk, words, and life. 😔😔

The 2019 me on the right looks a bit aggro, but he is confident, assertive and likes the bloke he’s become. He knows he is good enough just as he is. He is the captain and master of his own self-talk, words and life: he is his own. He also looks really fucken buff here. 💪💪

What a metamorphic, Saturn-Returny decade it’s been. 🤩🤩

And hell, what a wild year 2019 has been – marrying my beautiful husband Raphael Farmer and my debut novel, Invisible Boys, being released were the highlights. 😍😍 Thanx heaps to each of you for being a part of this massive year. Your messages, reviews and photos this past few months have made my heart incredibly full. Thanx for supporting (and sometimes tolerating) me, my book, my writing, my penchant for talking about my dick, my entirely healthy obsession with Alanis Morissette, my Witcher song singing, my runaway ego and my neuroses, and my shameless shirtless gym selfies. 😜😜😅😅

And here’s to the Roaring Twenties 2: Electric Boogaloo. Although sequels are usually worse, let us embrace the next decade with the same foolish optimism that I embraced Jumanji: The Next Level. It could be awesome, who knows? We should experience it first and decide later, right? 🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️

May this new year and decade bring you each growth, comfort, strength, opportunity, fucktons of fun, challenges, solutions, liberation, balance, and most of all, the doggedness and determination needed to build and live whatever kind of life you want. It’s yours and we don’t live on this planet for very long, so go on and do what you want before it’s too late. 🤘🤘🤘

Yours in unbridled fuckery,

Holden 😎😜🤙

Holden 2009 vs 2019


Invisible Boys: The Menu (wait, what?)

So, this weekend, a bookseller from Dymocks Busselton sent me a photo of two chefs on stilts reading my novel at the Manjimup Cherry Harmony Festival.

I cracked up laughing, because I had no context for this image and it seemed like the most random thing I’ve come across in this book’s promo cycle so far. (Sidebar: the bookseller has since told me there was absolutely no context for this photo, she just took it because she thought it would be a cool pic – so that’s even funnier to me.)

Anyway, yesterday, for some reason, this image stirred up an idea. I remembered how one reviewer had mentioned the role food plays in the book. I also hadn’t written anything creatively for three months, since I’ve been so hectic with touring and promo. Apparently a day and a half was enough rest time to have recharged my creative batteries a little: I was eager to write something creative and fun, and I churned this piece out: a menu based on the culinary dishes that feature in the book.

If there’s anything more random than the photo of the chefs on stilts reading Invisible Boys, it’s probably this blog post. But I had fun writing it and it was a great way to reflect on my novel and also ease back into writing creatively again.

Happy reading – or bon appetit!


  1. Anna Calogero’s Traditional Sicilian Potato Salad

How dare those Skips try to put mayonnaise in a goddamn potato salad? This traditional dish is the same Italian recipe handed down by the women in your family since the 1930s and it is not going to change now just because of some Aussie tart pushing her way into your family. This refreshing salad includes peas, red onions and eight litres of olive oil. A versatile dish, it will simultaneously please the palate and, when paired with a hearty spray of Lynx Africa, can competently mask the odour of unexpected bodily fluids in the kitchen bin.

  1. Charlie Roth’s Gummy Shark & Chips

This simple, classic Aussie favourite doesn’t need cutlery or crockery, much in the same way that you don’t need anyone else in your life because they’re all phonies anyway so fuck ‘em. Salty and satisfying, this dish is perfect for hot February nights on the Geraldton foreshore before you dip into the Indian Ocean for a swim, or lurk by the wharf to cruise men for anonymous sex.

  1. Natalie Wright’s Tiramisu

So your Italian mother-in-law hates you, but that’s no reason to stop trying to change her mind. Instead of bringing around your usual pavlova, spice things up by making your own version of the one dessert she prides herself on. Moist, creamy and soaked in liqueur, it definitely won’t trigger her defensive tendencies or remind her of how you’ve swanned in and usurped all influence over her son. Buon appetito! 

  1. Matt Jones’s BBQ Snags

Who says the gays need to be known for delicate baked goods and effete brunches? Be true to you and embrace your retrosexual masculinity by treating your Valentine’s Day date to a hearty slab of your meat. Best cooked with plenty of ventilation to ensure just the right amount of smoky barbequed richness. Pairs well with a Bushchook or eight. For added Northampton flair, surprise your beau with snags made of native Aussie meat and wait to see how long it takes him to notice.

  1. Zeke Calogero’s Gnocchi in Traditional Sugo

Perhaps these potatoes wanted to end their lives rolled into lumpy gnocchi, perhaps they would have preferred to be French fries, but the existential anthropomorphism you try to project onto them doesn’t detract from how deliciously filling they are in your belly. A staple of the Sicilian peasant diet, these hearty dumplings are enriched by a homemade Italian tomato sauce: just because you can’t squeeze a drop of goddamn empathy out of your rigid Catholic parents, doesn’t mean you can’t squeeze some ripe tomatoes to form a zesty and herby condiment. Bellissimo!

  1. Kade “Hammer” Hammersmith’s Onion Rings á la Bilby’s Burgers

Nothing says “self-sabotage” like interrupting your closely-monitored diet of protein shakes, creatine and BCAAs with a greasy post-footy feed from Bilby’s Burgers. Whether you’re dining in or sequestering a lover away in your brother’s ute, these crunchy, beer-battered onion rings are the perfect, masculine accompaniment to your 100% Aussie Beef burger from Bilby’s. Do your best not to tell your date how you wonder if your dick would fit through the middle of the onion rings. Best served with aioli, or any other salty white sauce.

(PS. Did you really think this post wouldn’t end up where it did? :P)